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The Yearly and Daily Examen…2022 Musings

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Most days, as I watch the sunset over the Connecticut River across the street from my house, I reflect on the previous hours of daylight. An ancient practice, called the Spiritual Examen, is a prayerful reflection of the events of the day to find God’s presence and discern his direction, finding His hand (and heart) at work in the bigger picture. This practice (at sunset for me) has added depth, meaning, and growth to my life. So, today, the day before the new year begins, seems a good time to take a yearly examen. It’s easy to forget things that happen over the course of a year, thus missing ways God is evident…along with times that feel foggier when He seems less visible. Outside right now a dense fog completely hides the sunset, but I know God is still alive and well. So, today I have journeyed through my electronic calendar of 2022 and my gallery of photos. As I reflect back on this year several thoughts come to mind. In 2022:

There was family. I feel grateful every day for my family. Wyndham is never far away in my thoughts and in so many ways, I see him live on. I see and feel God’s presence in so many experiences and feelings of love. 2022 family memories include birthday celebrations, soccer games, baseball, and of course the highlights of the baptisms of two grandchildren, Lexi and Micah, as their faith and desire to follow Jesus came to life. The family also

shared time at the CT coast over Labor Day, and finally got to be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas after several years of Covid and/or stomach bugs preventing holiday times together the past couple of years. A post-Covid regular event that I have also enjoyed all year is my ever-other-week Zoom call with my sisters. I’m the youngest of four girls, and I’m so grateful for these three amazing women. I also feel grateful for Wyndham’s wonderful sisters.

There were firsts. Never thought I would say this, but I got a tattoo this year. My wedding rings were loose, and while I know I am not married any longer, I didn’t want to take them off. I compromised and decided to get Wyndham’s initials, WTS, which he used to sign all his emails, engraved on my ring finger. I love it. When people ask if it hurt, compared to childbirth and kidney stones, it was quite all right. I also officiated my first wedding this year, which was deeply meaningful in so many ways and quite a God-story surrounding the whole time. God certainly showed up. Another first is that I bought the two-family house next door that had been in probate, had it renovated, and thus began a small rental business. I was certainly not planning on doing this, but the opportunity arose, and it seemed a wise move.  And, I might add, I am surrounded by wonderful neighbors.

There were lasts. This year I lost several loved ones, including Wyndham’s (and my) dear Aunt Emma, my adventurous and kind brother-in-law, Roy, and my dear friend of many decades, Sheila Jones. I know many of you lost loved ones and continue to grieve. My heart is with you. Also, early this month Jacob moved back to MA, which was quite sad and yet also happy…because it was a good and right decision. So glad and grateful he is doing well in the Lowell condo.

There were books.  I’m sure I officially qualify as a nerd if the term is measured by books read. I’ll share my favorites in a post tomorrow, but I had no idea until I put my list together that I read well over a hundred books this year. Many were about the Restoration Movement, many were about hermeneutics, and many were about spiritual formation. There were also various others that challenged my thinking and my heart, helping me to continually learn and grow.  ( think there were perhaps one or two fictions in …well at least one.) I will share some of my favorite reads in a post tomorrow. Today, I finished the Daily Chronological Bible. This is the first time I did a yearly chronological Bible reading. Or rather, I listened to an audio version. I chose to do an audio version since the original Bible hearers heard the Scriptures read to them. This was a great experience though certainly required perseverance.

There were opportunities to learn. Along with what I learned from books, I cannot express how much I love my spiritual formation doctoral program. This new year marks the final year of my classes, which end in July.  Also, a few months ago I began Christian coaching training, which involves a 26-week two-hour class to be followed by supervised coaching training. (I will be offering 4 people 10 hours of free coaching in the spring of 2023, so if you are interested send me a message.) In the fall once classes are over, I plan to begin a spiritual director training program. Somehow, I hope and pray all these will mesh together in a meaningful way to contribute.

I am grateful for all I was able to learn at the ICOC Teachers Conference in February, “The Art of Scripture Reading.”

It was helpful, and conversations with the teachers always help me grow. Expect an article soon with my thoughts on a speech from that conference that reached into some deep recesses of my heart (taught by Sherie Gayle). I look forward to this year’s conference next month. I also greatly benefitted from a 12-week “Forming” workshop excellently facilitated by Byron Parsons, along with several hundred brothers and sisters from around the world. This was an outstanding workshop. I loved it so much that I plan to facilitate a session, along with David Bruce from L.A., early in the year. (To accommodate the time frame needed for this request from overseas, it will be offered on a weekday afternoon. I’ll post more when I know more.) I continually learn from several groups I gather with on Zoom who are involved in Spiritual Formation…and also a group from the Common Grounds Unity Group. (Thanks, John Teal for organizing this). These feed and encourage my heart, refreshing me and calling me to grow.

There were books to write. This year, IPI published another of my books, “What Now, God? Finding God in Transitions.”  I figure that I have encountered so many transitions of late, I might as well share things that I have been learning. You can find it here: https://www.ipibooks.com/products/what-now-god-finding-god-in-transitions. It is also available on Kindle.

There were opportunities to teach. I love to learn and love to teach. This year, I both participated in and taught several workshops on spiritual formation and taught in several teaching days on the role of women in the church for my local church as well as several other churches in other locales. (Thanks, Robert, for including me in many of these opportunities.) I taught a class on “Experiencing God” at the ICOC teachers’ conference and was blessed to teach various classes at the conference in Orlando on topics such as spiritual disciplines, still learning on the journey, adoption, caregiving, grief, and finding God (Hagar…a class for teens). I enjoyed participating in a few podcasts throughout the year as well.  My studies in preparation for teaching teach me far more than I can ever hope to convey, I am sure. I keep praying for wisdom to know how to learn and convey most effectively.

There were opportunities to question. I’m forever curious so question many things these days, looking to see where I need to grow and change while digging deep to find answers. After talking with God, I always need to talk to wise, spiritual people about these questions. When I encounter compelling teachings different from the ways I have previously understood them I also read opposing views and critical reviews to help form my thoughts. I find this helpful. I also realize some things cannot be answered in this lifetime.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  (Is 55:9) This is actually quite comforting.

There were gatherings with old friends and new friends.  There is nothing like time with old friends and also the joy of finding new friends. I have met and spent some good times with new friends like Jennifer, Mary, and Judy with whom I share some sad things in common, along with many new friends from church and from my new and surroundings in CT. I recently enjoyed memory lane visiting familiar places (where Wyndham and I first lived) in Raleigh with Jan. I love it when Susan and Joan pop by my new house and have loved the visits from afar with the Iiames, McGuirks, Kim E and Kim T., my sister and niece, and others that are likely slipping my mind. I loved spending time at the Orlando conference with many dear “old” friends.

There were opportunities to serve. While I still desire, pray about,  and look for meaningful ways to serve more effectively, I have found several ways to serve that provide meaning. These, I will keep between God and me. From my readings this year, I have grown in my longing to serve my community in ways that I think I have not yet fulfilled. Lots of room to grow here.

There were opportunities to receive.  I finally got Covid last summer before the Reach Conference. I  realize that receiving is often harder for me than serving. I am learning more about the importance of receiving, so I am teaching on the topic “Reflection and Receiving” for a Spiritual Formation Zoom workshop on Jan 14. Participation is free but registration is required. Many excellent classes will be offered. The workshop is slated for 10:00am to 2:00pm PACIFIC time. https://forms.gle/bT124FmQdc1e2zoL9

There was nature to enjoy. A few visits to the mountains and the ocean refreshed my soul tremendously this year, but I need to walk in nature every day…to see, listen, and learn. I’ve also discovered that rain gear and layers of warm clothing, along with crampons (sounds like a very painful menstrual tool but they are actually spikes that fit on your shoes for walking in ice or snow) allow me to walk most every day. Sometimes I take “guided spiritual walks” which I love and will write about (hopefully soon). I also follow 3 animal sites on Instagram….a_puppy_and_a_bunny. (Cutest thing ever about the adventures of a golden retriever, a golden puppy, and a bunny named Smols.) And then there is the site piggy_patch_farm. Finally, there is chunk_the_groundhog.  I realize you may have now lost all respect for me, but hey, I enjoy these, although the piglets are seriously interfering with my former love for bacon. Oh, and of course, I cannot forget the beloved sunsets and ever-moving river I so enjoy.

There is so, so much to be grateful for. I’ll end my musings by simply saying thank you. Thank you, God for loving me and never leaving me. Thank you for being my hope and my salvation. Thank you for being my friend. And thank you, my friends, for enriching my life in more ways than I can ever express.

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Gratitude, Curiosity, and the Spirit

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At precisely this time, 48 years ago, I was running some last-minute errands  in preparation for our wedding, which would be happening later at 3:00 pm,  December 14, 1974. I was at the store with a friend trying to find a blue garter (what a stupid tradition that was). Wyndham was playing a game of flag football with friends. What else would a groom do on his wedding day? I had just finished my last final of the quarter the day before (the UF used quarters rather than semesters). I had little time for wedding prep, as I had taken a heavy load of 22 hours to finish my studies early to move to join Wyndham. I had seen him once since our engagement in July, as he had moved to North Carolina to begin a new ministry. Though we wrote to each other often, we talked every other week. Long-distance calls were costly. I was a student and he was making 7k per year. (No worries, we got an increase to nearly 9k/year after we married. 🙂 We had to be creative for sure.) This would be my last day ever living in Gainesville, Florida. I would marry and permanently move away from my hometown. Two days later, I would see my first snow.

As I reflect on the precious years I had with my beloved husband, the main emotion I feel is gratitude. So much gratitude. Life wasn’t always easy, but the love and life we shared were beautiful. The last painful years during Wyndham’s illness were rich and precious, though incredibly difficult and even traumatic. I hold them as sacred. Wyndham will always be part of me…it would be impossible for it to be otherwise, and I am grateful he is forever part of me. But life is now quite different.

Three words that best describe my current state of being are gratitude, curiosity, and Spirit. I feel grateful and in awe of the beauty of creation. I feel grateful for the gifts of love, joy, peace, patience,… These are gifts from God. I cannot manufacture them. And what amazing gifts these are. Who else but God can give these?! I am grateful for daily food and water (especially combined with coffee beans) and so much more…so many blessings. I am grateful for my family and my friends. The relationships with my children and their families fill me with inexpressible joy. I love my cozy home and a place to stay warm. I love water, mountains, and sunsets. I’m thankful for animals…especially my Golden buddy, Denver. I’m grateful for the senses God gives me and for words and books and imagination. (I hope next week to share books read in 2022 and gleanings from a few of them.)

I love to learn. I understand more than ever before how much I do not know and cannot ever understand, and yet I long to learn more. The more I learn, the more amazed I become with God. I learn through life experiences, reading, observation, conversations with others, remembering, mistakes, listening more closely than I used to, and by making space to hear and experience God through His Spirit in my life. I value and am thankful for my deep dive into spiritual formation as I enter the final year of my doctoral program. I’m also learning through a Christian coaching certification program. I’m amazed at all there is to learn. I am grateful for curiosity. More than ever, I am gobsmacked (I often think of this word for astonishment as “God-smacked”…in the best way….as if God is saying, “Hey, do you even see what I am doing here?”) that God not only sent Jesus as Emmanuel, God with us…But, gave His Spirit as God in us. A reality, not a metaphor. To know that God became human so I could share His divinity is mind-boggling. This transforming reality requires serious thought and meditation.

So today, I thank you, Wyndham, for our shared precious memories. Little did I know what would lie ahead 48 years ago, but there is no one with whom I would have rather shared 45  of those years. Thank you, God, for always being not only by my side, but inside. I hold on to precious memories, but today, though my eyes may mist a time or two,  they make me smile in gratitude. And stay curious, my friends…marveling and relying on God within.

When Remembrance Gets Personal

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Reposting from a couple of years ago…because it’s important to remember.

Since I was in New York for a conference during the week of the twelfth anniversary of the 2001 terrorist attack I was “hesitantly eager” to visit the September 11 Memorial.  Upon arrival, the air was crisp and the sky was bright- much like that fateful day twelve years ago.  The upward view of the new World Trade Center tower keenly activated my fear of heights, so  I decided to walk around the memorial pools.

0913131530 I felt sad for the victims and families, but I did not know any of them personally- so my remembrance was rather general in nature.

As I walked by the second pool, my eyes caught sight of a small American flag embedded inside one of the engraved letters (of a victim’s name) in the surrounding wall. 0913131526a  A letter, protected by a plastic sleeve, was attached to this flag.  Curious, I went over close enough to read the letter.   A picture adorned the top of the page followed by these words:

Dear Donald,

   Your children and I miss you more and more each day.   Donald (14) plays soccer, golf and drums in his first year of high school.  Lara (14) continues to dance and sing. She was selected to be in the select choir.  Connor (11) looks just like you and loves the ocean.  He has the same passion for body boarding as you did.  They speak of you often and wish you were here to see them grow up.  As for me, I am very busy running around getting them to all their activities.  I miss our life together.  Until we meet again.

                                                                                                                                                Love, your wife Jacqueline

0913131527

On the other side of the letter was another picture with this message:

Every year on your birthday your niece, nephew and children throw a wreath in the ocean in Montauk.  This was your favorite place.  Everyone misses you. 

By this time, the lump in my0913131527a throat was uncomfortable and the tears welled up in my eyes.  My heart ached for this young wife and mother, who apparently had two-year-old twins and was pregnant with a son when this horrific event happened.  Suddenly, remembrance went from “history” to “personal.”

This morning, as I worshipped with my church family and as the communion trays were passed,  I thought through some familiar scriptures on remembrance.   My mind went to the letter to Donald as I reflected on how remembrance becomes personal only when names, emotions and memories are attached to an event we are remembering.

Jesus’ life, death and resurrection are merely historical events until they are attached to someone whose love captures our hearts. When this happens remembrance becomes personal and revolutionizes the way we think and how we live.

I prayed silently as if I were writing him a letter of remembrance.  In this silent letter I tried to somehow express my appreciation for what he has done for me…telling him how much his life, death and resurrection has changed me and how personal he is to me.  I owe the joy I have found in my life to his example, sacrifice, power and words.  My marriage, family, purpose and peace would not be possible without his complete involvement in my life.

It’s so easy to walk around life focusing on distractions that seem to loudly call my name – and forget that everything I hold important stems from a personal relationship with the one who has changed my life forever.

If my remembrance of God isn’t personal, then Jesus will become a distant historical event observed in a museum rather than a current life changing, joy producing relationship.

As I communed with God this morning I thought of Luke 22:19.    And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

How personal and thankful is your remembrance?

Which Letter is Yours?

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving….

Whenever I read the short book of Philippians, I am struck by the apostle Paul’s gratitude and corresponding joy.  Whether or not you celebrate a particular day of Thanksgiving, take the time this week to read the short book of Philippians—focusing on Paul’s thankful attitude and the joy that flows from this attitude. Now, think about the circumstances he faced as he wrote, especially his imprisonment.

If Paul had not been a grateful person, I imagine his letter would have sounded more like this:

Chapter 1  It’s me, Paul.

So…I guess there’s not much to say…not much hope.  While you are enjoying your freedom, here I sit chained to a prison guard. This stinks… and there is nothing I can accomplish from here.

Not only can I do nothing to reach out to and share with people, but there are lots of people out there preaching wrong things, undoing the good I’ve tried to do.  It irks me, and I am totally depressed about this.

Chapter 2    Nobody really cares about me…everyone is just thinking about themselves.  Well, except maybe Timothy and now he’ll likely go to you and then you will “need” him.  Sheez…what else do you want?  Of course, I do have Epaphroditus, my one fellow worker and friend.  You might as well take him too while you’re at it.  Besides, while here trying to help me out he went and got sick on me. It’s just one lousy thing after another.

Chapter 3  You know I had a lot going on before all this.  I was somebody significant…but I’ve really lost everything now. God must hate me.  I’ve tried to give everything…and look where it’s gotten me. There’s really not much more I could possibly do ..it’s over …and besides–look where sacrifice has gotten me anyway.  In jail.  Just sitting here–shackled.

Chapter 4  And…if all this is not enough, my “friends” Euodia and Syntyche can’t even get along.  For cryin’ out loud…. All the whining.  Will someone tell them to shut it? Can’t anybody get along anymore? Problems everywhere.  And I’m tired, hungry and poor to boot.  I’d ask for help, but you’d probably just respond like everybody else has.  When I asked before, almost no one wanted to help.  Well, gotta go…not feeling so good.  And the more I remember all this bad stuff the worse I feel.   Maybe I’ll get lucky and die. Meanwhile, I sit here chained to a stinkin’ guard..

Now ask youself….what would your letter sound like?  This is a convicting and challenging question for me.  Would it be as you read the book of Philippians in your Bible?…Or would it be written more like the “rewrite” above?  The difference between the two lies in our attitude of gratitude—or lack thereof.  May you have a week (and life)  filled with gratitude and the overflowing joy that follows.  Happy Thanksgiving.IMG_2923

An Attitude of Gratitude

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Ever wonder why some people, even amid dire circumstances, continue to be thankful, content and happy individuals while others, who have access to many good things, complain, are unhappy and easily annoyed? I have observed that there is a common theme with gratitude – lack of entitlement  Those who feel the most “entitled”, have the greatest difficulty finding the ability to be truly grateful. When we feel we deserve something, we are often left disappointed, annoyed or angry. At least that’s how it goes for me.  There is just no room for thankfulness.   Consider the challenging but eye (and heart) opening scripture in Luke 17:7-10
“Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? [8] Would he not rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? [9] Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? [10] So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ “

This is challenging to me.  However, when I approach my service to God and others out of emptying myself… because of honor and appreciation for Him it changes the way I look at everything.  Though God treats me with incredible love and tenderness, it is often easy to get confused and think that these are things he “owes” me.  In my heart of hearts I know that what I really deserve is to die and go to hell.  That’s truly what I “deserve”, but I can easily forget this fact.  God’s graciousness, however, allows me to be treated not as I deserve, but with the gift of love, kindness and care. Whenever I forget this, I cease to be a grateful person.  Lost gratitude leads to a downward spiral described in Romans 1:21
For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened….

The downward spiral that follows has its beginning with a failure to give thanks.  From there, our thinking becomes futile and we begin a plunge into a dark hole.

However, when I truly believe I have been given God’s mercy…forgiveness, purpose, the power to change, direction for my life, etc, etc…..everything changes, especially my mindset, or attitude.

Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. [2] Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The world around me tells me that I deserve prestige, money, fast internet and even a good parking place.  However, when I live God’s will for my life (which is right, feels good and is all around fantastic!) I am then able to renew my mind and transform my way of thinking. Then I can give, serve and empty myself….only to find that in the meantime I am at peace, happy, grateful and energized.  Gratitude begins with our attitude,… and as the scripture below shows… it puts a song in our hearts and a pep in our step.

Col. 3:15-17
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. [16] Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. [17] And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Over the next few days I plan to think a lot about the incredible blessings of people, places and things for which I am grateful.  I expect to smile a lot, though I’m sure some tears will flow as I remember special memories of those no longer here.  May you have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, and live with a joyful, thankful attitude…if you live on a trash heap or in a mansion.