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The Yearly and Daily Examen…2022 Musings

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Most days, as I watch the sunset over the Connecticut River across the street from my house, I reflect on the previous hours of daylight. An ancient practice, called the Spiritual Examen, is a prayerful reflection of the events of the day to find God’s presence and discern his direction, finding His hand (and heart) at work in the bigger picture. This practice (at sunset for me) has added depth, meaning, and growth to my life. So, today, the day before the new year begins, seems a good time to take a yearly examen. It’s easy to forget things that happen over the course of a year, thus missing ways God is evident…along with times that feel foggier when He seems less visible. Outside right now a dense fog completely hides the sunset, but I know God is still alive and well. So, today I have journeyed through my electronic calendar of 2022 and my gallery of photos. As I reflect back on this year several thoughts come to mind. In 2022:

There was family. I feel grateful every day for my family. Wyndham is never far away in my thoughts and in so many ways, I see him live on. I see and feel God’s presence in so many experiences and feelings of love. 2022 family memories include birthday celebrations, soccer games, baseball, and of course the highlights of the baptisms of two grandchildren, Lexi and Micah, as their faith and desire to follow Jesus came to life. The family also

shared time at the CT coast over Labor Day, and finally got to be together for Thanksgiving and Christmas after several years of Covid and/or stomach bugs preventing holiday times together the past couple of years. A post-Covid regular event that I have also enjoyed all year is my ever-other-week Zoom call with my sisters. I’m the youngest of four girls, and I’m so grateful for these three amazing women. I also feel grateful for Wyndham’s wonderful sisters.

There were firsts. Never thought I would say this, but I got a tattoo this year. My wedding rings were loose, and while I know I am not married any longer, I didn’t want to take them off. I compromised and decided to get Wyndham’s initials, WTS, which he used to sign all his emails, engraved on my ring finger. I love it. When people ask if it hurt, compared to childbirth and kidney stones, it was quite all right. I also officiated my first wedding this year, which was deeply meaningful in so many ways and quite a God-story surrounding the whole time. God certainly showed up. Another first is that I bought the two-family house next door that had been in probate, had it renovated, and thus began a small rental business. I was certainly not planning on doing this, but the opportunity arose, and it seemed a wise move.  And, I might add, I am surrounded by wonderful neighbors.

There were lasts. This year I lost several loved ones, including Wyndham’s (and my) dear Aunt Emma, my adventurous and kind brother-in-law, Roy, and my dear friend of many decades, Sheila Jones. I know many of you lost loved ones and continue to grieve. My heart is with you. Also, early this month Jacob moved back to MA, which was quite sad and yet also happy…because it was a good and right decision. So glad and grateful he is doing well in the Lowell condo.

There were books.  I’m sure I officially qualify as a nerd if the term is measured by books read. I’ll share my favorites in a post tomorrow, but I had no idea until I put my list together that I read well over a hundred books this year. Many were about the Restoration Movement, many were about hermeneutics, and many were about spiritual formation. There were also various others that challenged my thinking and my heart, helping me to continually learn and grow.  ( think there were perhaps one or two fictions in …well at least one.) I will share some of my favorite reads in a post tomorrow. Today, I finished the Daily Chronological Bible. This is the first time I did a yearly chronological Bible reading. Or rather, I listened to an audio version. I chose to do an audio version since the original Bible hearers heard the Scriptures read to them. This was a great experience though certainly required perseverance.

There were opportunities to learn. Along with what I learned from books, I cannot express how much I love my spiritual formation doctoral program. This new year marks the final year of my classes, which end in July.  Also, a few months ago I began Christian coaching training, which involves a 26-week two-hour class to be followed by supervised coaching training. (I will be offering 4 people 10 hours of free coaching in the spring of 2023, so if you are interested send me a message.) In the fall once classes are over, I plan to begin a spiritual director training program. Somehow, I hope and pray all these will mesh together in a meaningful way to contribute.

I am grateful for all I was able to learn at the ICOC Teachers Conference in February, “The Art of Scripture Reading.”

It was helpful, and conversations with the teachers always help me grow. Expect an article soon with my thoughts on a speech from that conference that reached into some deep recesses of my heart (taught by Sherie Gayle). I look forward to this year’s conference next month. I also greatly benefitted from a 12-week “Forming” workshop excellently facilitated by Byron Parsons, along with several hundred brothers and sisters from around the world. This was an outstanding workshop. I loved it so much that I plan to facilitate a session, along with David Bruce from L.A., early in the year. (To accommodate the time frame needed for this request from overseas, it will be offered on a weekday afternoon. I’ll post more when I know more.) I continually learn from several groups I gather with on Zoom who are involved in Spiritual Formation…and also a group from the Common Grounds Unity Group. (Thanks, John Teal for organizing this). These feed and encourage my heart, refreshing me and calling me to grow.

There were books to write. This year, IPI published another of my books, “What Now, God? Finding God in Transitions.”  I figure that I have encountered so many transitions of late, I might as well share things that I have been learning. You can find it here: https://www.ipibooks.com/products/what-now-god-finding-god-in-transitions. It is also available on Kindle.

There were opportunities to teach. I love to learn and love to teach. This year, I both participated in and taught several workshops on spiritual formation and taught in several teaching days on the role of women in the church for my local church as well as several other churches in other locales. (Thanks, Robert, for including me in many of these opportunities.) I taught a class on “Experiencing God” at the ICOC teachers’ conference and was blessed to teach various classes at the conference in Orlando on topics such as spiritual disciplines, still learning on the journey, adoption, caregiving, grief, and finding God (Hagar…a class for teens). I enjoyed participating in a few podcasts throughout the year as well.  My studies in preparation for teaching teach me far more than I can ever hope to convey, I am sure. I keep praying for wisdom to know how to learn and convey most effectively.

There were opportunities to question. I’m forever curious so question many things these days, looking to see where I need to grow and change while digging deep to find answers. After talking with God, I always need to talk to wise, spiritual people about these questions. When I encounter compelling teachings different from the ways I have previously understood them I also read opposing views and critical reviews to help form my thoughts. I find this helpful. I also realize some things cannot be answered in this lifetime.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  (Is 55:9) This is actually quite comforting.

There were gatherings with old friends and new friends.  There is nothing like time with old friends and also the joy of finding new friends. I have met and spent some good times with new friends like Jennifer, Mary, and Judy with whom I share some sad things in common, along with many new friends from church and from my new and surroundings in CT. I recently enjoyed memory lane visiting familiar places (where Wyndham and I first lived) in Raleigh with Jan. I love it when Susan and Joan pop by my new house and have loved the visits from afar with the Iiames, McGuirks, Kim E and Kim T., my sister and niece, and others that are likely slipping my mind. I loved spending time at the Orlando conference with many dear “old” friends.

There were opportunities to serve. While I still desire, pray about,  and look for meaningful ways to serve more effectively, I have found several ways to serve that provide meaning. These, I will keep between God and me. From my readings this year, I have grown in my longing to serve my community in ways that I think I have not yet fulfilled. Lots of room to grow here.

There were opportunities to receive.  I finally got Covid last summer before the Reach Conference. I  realize that receiving is often harder for me than serving. I am learning more about the importance of receiving, so I am teaching on the topic “Reflection and Receiving” for a Spiritual Formation Zoom workshop on Jan 14. Participation is free but registration is required. Many excellent classes will be offered. The workshop is slated for 10:00am to 2:00pm PACIFIC time. https://forms.gle/bT124FmQdc1e2zoL9

There was nature to enjoy. A few visits to the mountains and the ocean refreshed my soul tremendously this year, but I need to walk in nature every day…to see, listen, and learn. I’ve also discovered that rain gear and layers of warm clothing, along with crampons (sounds like a very painful menstrual tool but they are actually spikes that fit on your shoes for walking in ice or snow) allow me to walk most every day. Sometimes I take “guided spiritual walks” which I love and will write about (hopefully soon). I also follow 3 animal sites on Instagram….a_puppy_and_a_bunny. (Cutest thing ever about the adventures of a golden retriever, a golden puppy, and a bunny named Smols.) And then there is the site piggy_patch_farm. Finally, there is chunk_the_groundhog.  I realize you may have now lost all respect for me, but hey, I enjoy these, although the piglets are seriously interfering with my former love for bacon. Oh, and of course, I cannot forget the beloved sunsets and ever-moving river I so enjoy.

There is so, so much to be grateful for. I’ll end my musings by simply saying thank you. Thank you, God for loving me and never leaving me. Thank you for being my hope and my salvation. Thank you for being my friend. And thank you, my friends, for enriching my life in more ways than I can ever express.

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Gratitude, Curiosity, and the Spirit

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At precisely this time, 48 years ago, I was running some last-minute errands  in preparation for our wedding, which would be happening later at 3:00 pm,  December 14, 1974. I was at the store with a friend trying to find a blue garter (what a stupid tradition that was). Wyndham was playing a game of flag football with friends. What else would a groom do on his wedding day? I had just finished my last final of the quarter the day before (the UF used quarters rather than semesters). I had little time for wedding prep, as I had taken a heavy load of 22 hours to finish my studies early to move to join Wyndham. I had seen him once since our engagement in July, as he had moved to North Carolina to begin a new ministry. Though we wrote to each other often, we talked every other week. Long-distance calls were costly. I was a student and he was making 7k per year. (No worries, we got an increase to nearly 9k/year after we married. 🙂 We had to be creative for sure.) This would be my last day ever living in Gainesville, Florida. I would marry and permanently move away from my hometown. Two days later, I would see my first snow.

As I reflect on the precious years I had with my beloved husband, the main emotion I feel is gratitude. So much gratitude. Life wasn’t always easy, but the love and life we shared were beautiful. The last painful years during Wyndham’s illness were rich and precious, though incredibly difficult and even traumatic. I hold them as sacred. Wyndham will always be part of me…it would be impossible for it to be otherwise, and I am grateful he is forever part of me. But life is now quite different.

Three words that best describe my current state of being are gratitude, curiosity, and Spirit. I feel grateful and in awe of the beauty of creation. I feel grateful for the gifts of love, joy, peace, patience,… These are gifts from God. I cannot manufacture them. And what amazing gifts these are. Who else but God can give these?! I am grateful for daily food and water (especially combined with coffee beans) and so much more…so many blessings. I am grateful for my family and my friends. The relationships with my children and their families fill me with inexpressible joy. I love my cozy home and a place to stay warm. I love water, mountains, and sunsets. I’m thankful for animals…especially my Golden buddy, Denver. I’m grateful for the senses God gives me and for words and books and imagination. (I hope next week to share books read in 2022 and gleanings from a few of them.)

I love to learn. I understand more than ever before how much I do not know and cannot ever understand, and yet I long to learn more. The more I learn, the more amazed I become with God. I learn through life experiences, reading, observation, conversations with others, remembering, mistakes, listening more closely than I used to, and by making space to hear and experience God through His Spirit in my life. I value and am thankful for my deep dive into spiritual formation as I enter the final year of my doctoral program. I’m also learning through a Christian coaching certification program. I’m amazed at all there is to learn. I am grateful for curiosity. More than ever, I am gobsmacked (I often think of this word for astonishment as “God-smacked”…in the best way….as if God is saying, “Hey, do you even see what I am doing here?”) that God not only sent Jesus as Emmanuel, God with us…But, gave His Spirit as God in us. A reality, not a metaphor. To know that God became human so I could share His divinity is mind-boggling. This transforming reality requires serious thought and meditation.

So today, I thank you, Wyndham, for our shared precious memories. Little did I know what would lie ahead 48 years ago, but there is no one with whom I would have rather shared 45  of those years. Thank you, God, for always being not only by my side, but inside. I hold on to precious memories, but today, though my eyes may mist a time or two,  they make me smile in gratitude. And stay curious, my friends…marveling and relying on God within.

What and Why Are You Learning?

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Do you ever find that some questions people ask you cause you to dive deeper for the answers? It has been good to reflect on questions I have been asked about why I chose to enter and continue in graduate school while in my late sixties. So, as I think through my answers, it helps me once again to reflect on important questions about why I choose to do what I do. We can find it all too easy to just do, without reflecting clearly on why we do what we do or think what we think.

Why did you decide now, to go back to school?

Longing to continually grow deeper in my walk with God and service to others, I entered seminary in 2018, when I was sixty-four years old. I was drawn to the study of spiritual formation, deeply believing that too many Christians go through motions of religion while lacking the depth and joy flowing from intimacy with God. They long for more. I longed for more. I desired to learn further ways to grow toward the image of Christ and delight in our relationship. I love to learn, and though I had read and studied my Bible for decades, I thrilled to the deeper teachings I learned through my biblical studies classes. I savored and put into practice what I learned in my spiritual formation studies.

God answered many prayers encouraging me to pursue this venture. During my studies, I was working in the ministry and providing care for my wonderful husband, who passed from a progressive neurological disease called Multiple System Atrophy in November 2019. It was an extremely difficult time. My studies, combined with daily life and suffering, not only drew me into a more intimate relationship with God but also put on my heart a desire to keep learning. I thrive best when learning new things.

I believe I am called to teach. It feels good to know my calling…. what I feel uniquely qualified for and what makes my heart sing. For over forty years, as a women’s minister, I have taught the Bible to those wishing to develop faith or to grow in their faith, helping them apply biblical teachings and principles to their daily lives. I have taught workshops in areas of spiritual growth to audiences large and small, in-person and online. I also love to teach through writing. After my first book, I thought I was done with writing, but fifteen books later, God keeps putting more on my heart.

As an older woman who has experienced many transitions in life including a loving marriage of forty-five years to caretaking and then widowhood, raising children and now enjoying adult relationships with them, grandparenting eight grandchildren, adopting a teenager from Eastern Europe, changing jobs, moving, losing parents, being held at knife-point, and being struck by lightning, my experiences are many and allow me to relate to various ages and backgrounds. At this stage of my life, I still desire to help change the world for Christ through teaching, mentoring, and writing in various settings and places. I long to do justice, love mercy, and to walk humbly with God…but I still have so much to learn. I want to see more and more women learning and teaching, as they offer such a valuable perspective.

God answered so many specific prayers as I sought His guidance about this decision to go back to school. I want to keep on learning and then do some adjunct teaching when I finish my doctorate. I’ll be about seventy years young then.

Why did you choose to study spiritual formation? What is it? How did you benefit and how can what you have learned benefit others?

Spiritual formation is the process of God working in our lives to transform us into His image. We make ourselves ready and available through spiritual disciplines for God to transform us. We learn to find spiritual rhythms of life so that we can be still enough with God and hear him. We build intimacy with Him that refreshes, directs, and fills us in every way. We can often let busyness, ego, and the noise of life keep us from truly walking with God and finding rest for our souls. Spiritual formation is holistic. We let God transform us day by day through our love for Him and our unity with His Spirit. He changes us with ever-increasing glory through our thoughts and emotions, our relationships, our intellect, our life calling, our physical health, and our stewardship. That covers a lot of areas…our whole beings.

As I keep learning, I desire to offer workshops, teaching, training, and writing that encourages others to bring these areas to Jesus, letting Him transform them all. While I have learned some excellent tools and ways of thinking, I believe these are only useful if they help me and others draw closer to God for the sake of others.

 Have you enjoyed it?  Immensely. As I learn, write, and teach I feel the pleasure of God. I thrill to learn, to be closer to God, and to serve others more effectively. I have been blessed with outstanding professors, and even though I study online, my partnerships with fellow students have led to some wonderful new friendships. As I sat by Wyndham’s side during this time I have been in school, and since he could not talk I would tell him things I was learning and read him my papers, which he enjoyed. He was proud of me for this endeavor, which means so much to me. His encouragement spurred me on, and my studies during the hardest season of my life were strangely, a sort of lifeline for me.

 If you could summarize, what are the main things you took away?

It’s good to reflect on this question. The rate of learning is so fast that at times I felt like I was drinking from this.   I realize that as I learn, I must stop to reflect and apply what I am learning to my life, otherwise it is of little value. I also realize that knowledge is helpful, but only if it makes me more Christlike, more loving.  I definitely learned how much I don’t know and how judgmental I have been. The windows of my perspective are clearer, and I have let go of the fear of questioning. The Bible can stand up to questions. I am much more equipped to know and share my core biblical and life convictions and have also better learned the thought processes of those who share some differing core convictions. I have learned from so many people, and strive to treat them with respect and personal vulnerability. I have built some solid friendships with a few classmates and a professor who has enriched me. I have read more books than I can count, and have grown from each one. Next time, I’ll begin sharing some takeaways from each class. I pray that we are all forever learners.

 

Show Me

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I’m a visual learner.  You can tell me something, and I may or may not remember or understand it.  For instance, as a young teen (or preteen- can’t remember as that was a long time ago) I volunteered in a hospital as a candy-striper.  I thought I might enter the medical profession one day and so I wanted to get some “hands on” experience.  On my first day of candy-striping I was given an assignment (not so technically medical) – to fill up all the water pitchers (with ice) for the patients in a particular wing.  I don’t know why, but I remember that most all of the patients were men.  I was busy about my task, nearly finished, when one of the men chuckled…looked at me and said, “This gives new meaning to “peeing on the rocks”.  I had filled up all of the urinals with ice water!  I decided that day the medical profession was not for me.  I certainly missed something between instruction and implementation. I obviously needed someone to show me what to do.

I recently returned from a conference in Budapest, Hungary.  As I travel I am often struck at how much clearer life seems from the view 35,000 feet above the earth.  As I look down from a plane everything looks so neat, orderly and simple. Yet I know that in reality confusion, bitterness and loneliness reign within individuals down below.  While God’s word is very clear, I am moved to know that God’s heart was grieved when he looked down and saw evil and the resulting pain in the world. (Genesis 6:6)    The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

I am so grateful that I have a compassionate God who came down here to show me how to live. As He continually intervened in hearts and lives and worked through people and circumstances I wonder what conversations may have gone on between God and his son – what was said as they prepared for Jesus to come down and show us how to live.  I am so thankful that God didn’t look down with mere disgust and anger (which he certainly could have)….but instead looked with such love that he sent his beloved son to show us the way we were created to live.  He would not only show us how but would also enable us to break free from the power of sin and resulting separation from our Father.

(Luke 7:16)    They were all filled with awe and praised God. “A great prophet has appeared among us,” they said. “God has come to help his people.”

He had already communicated clearly, but he went beyond words.   He came to help.  He showed us how.

(John 1:14)  The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

He didn’t have to – but He cared that much.  Thank you, Jesus, for showing me how to love, how to forgive, how to relate to others, how to communicate, how to have purpose and how to think.

(1 John 4:9)  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

If I didn’t have Jesus showing me how to live real life every day I would be lost – and running around “filling urinals” while people around me are thirsting for water.