Tag Archives: fear

Shaken to the Core

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It was the summer of 1973, 3:00 am according to the clock on my bookshelf headboard. I awoke to the smell of a cigarette, a man’s voice, and the feel of pressure on my back.

The man spoke, “Don’t scream. I have a knife.” For the next hour, I was shaken to the core, not knowing whether I would be alive by the time the sun rose. I prayed silently. Fervently. I clearly remember thinking that this was the moment every belief I had was tested. I begged God to protect me in this dire situation, but also remembered the words of Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego. I knew God was able to save me, I just did not know if He would. I remember thinking, “Can God really hear me?” I was home for the summer, and my parents were on the other side of the house. My mom was deaf. Besides, if I spoke I had already been threatened with a knife. I completely and deeply felt the presence of God’s Spirit as I prayed and boldly told the man that he would account to God for his actions and he needed to leave. Much conversation ensued. I never saw his face, thankfully. After nearly an hour, he told me he was leaving and did not know why. I knew why. He left, leaving me unharmed. He had planned to do “everything I had ever read about,” according to him. (If you want to hear more of the story, read My Morning Cup. https://ipibooks.ecwid.com#!/My-Morning-Cup/p/64183403)

This was the first time I was shaken to the core. The second time was last fall, watching my husband die after suffering from a cruel neurological disease. I had prayed faithfully and fervently, believing God could heal him. He could. But he didn’t. Here on earth, that is. He suffers no more and is with the Father. It is times like these that cause me to look inside my heart and ask, “What do I really believe?

The days we are presently living are nothing like we have seen in our lifetime. I have experienced some fearful times as I practiced “Cold War” drills by hiding under my school desk in case an atomic bomb hit (like that would help). I experienced turmoil during the Vietnam War era and 9/11, but I never sent my husband or children off to war. My life has been fairly comfortable, especially compared to many. COVIC-19 has stalled our world, and isolation offers a time to evaluate and determine our deepest core convictions.

This week I am preparing to turn in my final project as I finish my Master’s program. In a small portion of that project, I state my core convictions in eight areas of life including faith, emotions, relationships, finances, health, etc. Each conviction is accompanied by scripture, a goal, and a person to whom I will be accountable. It has been a wonderful exercise which I recommend.

This pandemic has shaken the world’s value system to the core. Thankfully, some values are emerging that have previously felt lost.  Prayerfully, this situation has revealed your solid, faith-filled convictions. How is your faith? What do you really believe? Do you truly believe this world is not your home? Do you really believe Jesus rose from the dead and is returning? Do you really believe the only treasures of importance are those we store in heaven? Do you really believe Jesus hears your prayers and will be with you? Do you believe that the Scriptures can show you God, teach you how to please Him and how to love each other? If we believe these things, our contentment will be real. Our hope will make us resilient despite circumstances. Inner peace and steadfast joy cannot be taken from us.

I feel like my last few years, in many ways, have been a training ground for today’s pandemic. I have seen suffering and death “up close and personal” and have been tethered to home for several years. God has stayed close with me in the suffering and He promises to be close to all who are His. Because God lives with me, inside of me, I am never alone and I have something of great value to share with those around me.

My minister and friend, Michael Lamb, shared a quote from Charles Spurgeon that resonates with me. Spurgeon said, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” Can you kiss the waves? The Rock of Ages brings comfort, peace, and joy amidst the waves. I am grateful. I will find that sweet spot in the curl of the wave, riding it all the way to shore.

 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Ps 16:7-8)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah (Ps 62:5-8)

For reflection: What are your core convictions? Try writing them down and accompany them with scriptures. It’s best to know them well before they are tested. If we lack them, we can find and grow them. If our convictions are not solid, we will crumble. If they are solid, we cannot be shaken.

 The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,…(Heb 12:27-28)

 

Denver’s Coming!

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Tomorrow is a big day.  Yes, Denver is coming to town for a big playoff football game against the New England Patriots. I’ll have my jersey on, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  (In fact, it will be cold tomorrow…  I must layer…I plan to wear my Patriots garb over an orange and blue championship shirt from when Florida won the NCAA championship guided by Tim Tebow’s arm.  I hope that’s okay!)

But more importantly, my husband is flying through Denver, Colorado, to pick up our new puppy, Denver.  Look at that face!  He just makes you want to hug him, doesn’t he? After getting over my episode of sheer terror at the thought of raising a new puppy again, I’m really quite excited.  I sort of feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I can’t wait to meet the little guy.  I am sure he has no idea what is about to happen to him.  He will leave his familiar place….his mom and his siblings.  (Now I feel like I want to cry.)  He will be transferred to the hands of a man he hasn’t met and go on a long airplane ride in a soft crate under my husband’s seat.  It may be a bit traumatic.  It’s sort of like a “new birth”.  He will likely wonder what new world he is entering into -and he must entrust himself to his new owner.

However, what he doesn’t know is what is waiting for him on the “other side”.  I’ve been “preparing a place for him”.  He’s got a “Cadillac crate”, new toys, a new collar, puppy treats, some big brothers, a family of adults and children who can’t wait to shower their love on him, and a promise of care, training, and lots and lots of love.  It’s going to be a good life.  We can’t wait for him to get here.

I thought of this “transition to a new place” when my grandchildren were born.  There they were, in a safe, warm and snuggly womb.  However, little did they know that on the “other side” were parents and grandparents, and aunts and uncles who already loved them.  And there were hugs, kisses, and even (as I had with three of my grandchildren tonight) pizza, brownies and ice cream awaiting their futures as well.  That’s got to be way tastier than anything the umbilical cord offers.

I can’t help but wonder if this is something of what God feels as He awaits His children’s arrival – from their “new birth” all the way until heaven.  He must shake his head at how attached we can get to the world, scared to let go, and sometimes have fear of trusting Him…when we have no idea that “amazing awaits” – on the other side.

1 Cor. 2:9
[9] However, as it is written:

    “No eye has seen,
        no ear has heard,
    no mind has conceived
        what God has prepared for those who love him”–

John 14:1-7
  “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. [2] In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. [3] And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. [4] You know the way to the place where I am going.”
    [5] Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
    [6] Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. [7] If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

Oh my! What did I get myself into?!

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Have you ever been faced with a decision you made….and later thought – “What in the world was I thinking?!”  Last night, as I gathered a travel crate, blanket and  puppy collar for packing, I felt a bit of fear and trepidation.  In fact, I felt more than a “bit”.  You see, “dog life” has gotten quite easy over here.  Our little ten year old cockerpoo goes out once in the morning and then again at night.  We don’t even have to walk outside with him if the weather is bad. Meanwhile, he just wanders from the sofa to his little bed, circling each place a few times until he settles on the best spot for a nap.

Wyndham leaves for a meeting this afternoon and plans to come back in a couple of days with a little something in that travel crate I mentioned – an eight week old puppy full of life and energy.  I have found myself wondering what in the world  I agreed to- and what insanity entered my mind to do this again?!  My “easy dog life” is about to be over.  I must confess I felt a slight sense of panic.

In my future I am seeing several weeks of puddles and worse, perhaps a chewed chair leg or two along with some mangled toys that were intended for the grandchildren’s play.  I’m sure there will be lots of hair for daily vacuuming, vet bills.. and if we are fortunate to have many years with him…another heartbreak twelve to fourteen years from now.

So, why in the world would I do this?  Because the sheer joy he will bestow on me when I come in the door after being gone; the eagerness he will have to please us; his ability to love unconditionally; his longing eyes and cute antics; his energy and zeal; his head that will rest on my knee, and most of all his devotion as a loyal friend will make it all worth it. It’s really about the relationship between a “man and his dog” and a “woman and her dog”.

So, having made a deposit earlier, I just wrote a check for the remainder of the payment.  I sighed a bit, but then smiled.  To us, he is more than worth the cost.  We weighed it, and considered it long and hard.  I’m sort of glad we had to put a deposit down.  It helped me keep my resolve. When something doesn’t cost me anything, I am more apt to back out. I  made a wholehearted decision.  If I had kept wavering in indecision I would be miserable, and I would fail to enjoy this soon-to-be reality of a new puppy.  I can already “feel” his cuteness.

On a far weightier matter, I made a decision many years ago, when I was a teenager, to become a Christian – a follower of Jesus.  Since I came out of the waters of baptism there have been many exhilarating times, numerous challenges, victories and defeats.  I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.  I made a big decision to turn my life over to Jesus’ care and direction…yet he made the far bigger deposit – his life.  That deposit, and the one he gave me of his spirit living in me, have helped me keep my resolve to follow Jesus. –  with no turning back!

Luke 9:23-25
Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. [24] For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. [25] What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

Luke 9:62
Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

A decision to turn back would not only cost my salvation – but would also affect others who see my life.  Most of all….I would miss out on the most amazing benefit; a relationship with God that gives me forgiveness, friendship, family, purpose, identity, acceptance, fullness of life and so much more.  This relationship has such an amazing effect on all of my other relationships. I love this relationship that “I got myself into!”  Oh my!